THIS WEEK: CONTRACTION

The Good:

The Minnesota Twins.  It's the stuff of Hollywood, if Hollywood ever saw fit to make a decent baseball movie.  On the dark side are the greedy owners who resemble the Old man Zombies of Peter Jackson's "Bad Taste", while on the good side are a bunch of young fellers with long Polish names and great, eighteenth century pirate goatees.  That they play incredible baseball in what looks like an overinflated big top only adds to their underdog charm.  This team is more interesting than any other team in the majors anyway, and now that pure, unadulterated hope-crushing monsters are out to get them for nothing more than another bloated price tag, this season could be the best in baseball history.

The Bad:

The Montreal Expos.  Calling Dr. Kervorkian. No one likes the Expos– not the baseball fans north of Boston (surely there must be hundreds), not the players who play in front of crowds so quiet they make libraries seem like airports, nor the denizens of Montreal, who not only hate Americans, but Canadians as well.  What were they smoking back in the late 60's?  Let's see, you've got Seattle, Florida, Arizona and Washington, D.C. without teams– let's plop one down in Montreal.  Not even Vancouver or Toronto.  No, Montreal.  And the name.  Good lord.  Please, kill this team.   Kill it now.

The Ugly:

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays.  Poor St. Petersburg.  First, the White Sox dangled that dirty franchise in your face, and you coughed up that beautiful dome.  Sorry, but the windy city decided to keep our beloved Chisox.  Then, you made a deal with the San Francisco Giants.  Next year, a new team, with an even better history!  Nope, that one fell through, too.  Your little dome began to age, as domes do, almost right away.  Then, the high lords awarded you the Devil Rays.  And they're god-awful.  Maybe they'll be the perennial doorstop of the majors.  Our advice- move them.  For a team this ugly should only be called the Senators.